Abide in Me

The battle has been fierce here the last week. I have not fought well for my heart or for my family. I once again slipped into that frame of mind that seems to believe that what I say or do or where I take my heart does not really matter. What a dangerous belief that is. When I take my self away from God and do not abide in Christ then I lose that connection with God. I lose the protection of God. Its not that God is punishing me for this, its simply that if I do not abide in him than that is the reality I will live in. Remove yourself from intimacy with God and you lose all the wonderful parts of that intimacy. It’s not even about committing some major sin it was simply choosing to live without holding onto my relationship with Christ as the most important thing of all. It can be the desire to just want an easy life and so you back away from engaging in areas that you know will be hard or that will cause disruption. It comes down to abiding in Christ with my whole heart, not just parts of my heart. So what has been the result of this? Sickness has taken hold of our family that trips to the Dr and medicine just don’t seem to be working against. Vehicles suddenly need expensive repairs when there is no money. Stress kicks in because all of the sudden it seems that it all depends on me to make life work. Now please hear me when I say I do not believe everything bad that happens is from the devil. We get sick, cars break, finances are tight sometimes because of bad choices or the fact that we live in an imperfect world. However as I was praying this morning God showed me how I had been living and simply said that this is life apart from God. That some of what we are going through is a direct result of not abiding in Christ of not fighting with my whole heart. The life of a follower of Christ is not one that can be picked up and laid down when we feel like it. Jesus said that He came that “we may have life and have it to the full” but before that he said “the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy.” Our Enemy is always on the prowl seeking to steal the life that God desires for us and if we chose to walk in a way that is separate from God we open ourselves up to that attack. It would be like going into combat with out your weapon or your body armor. You would be an easy target and get taken out quickly. So today I repent of my desire to live how I want to live, of seeking a safe and neat life. Today I pick up my sword and I recommit myself to Gods desire for my life, to live in His way not my own, and to abide in Him in all things. I pray that this would be true for each of you today as well. Seek Christ as your source of life, let him be your life and your protection today.

How I Forget

Over the holiday I received an early Christmas gift a new I pod. As I have played with it and learned how it works I have discovered the world of podcasting. Ransomed Heart now has podcasting available and they have placed a lot of good material there. I was listening this morning to the Sacred Romance conference that they did back in 02 and I was shocked at how much I have forgotten and forget on a daily basis. I get so caught up in the requirements of my job, being a husband and a father and everything else that seems so important that I begin to live out of a life of duty (I am not saying that being a husband and father is not wonderful for it is) and forget the great romance that God has called me (and you) up into. I forget that we were born for paradise and not this world as it is now we now. That God cares about whats on my heart, that I need to care about whats on my heart even if it means that some task does not get done. I forget that God has called me (and you) to play an important part in his story. Not the main part for that is his role but an important part none the less. I urge you this morning to take some time out and remember what is true about your life today. That God has redeemed our wicked heart and replaced it with a heart that is good and true(the new covenant), that our life is a romance and adventure with God as the hero of the story and that life is not about tips and techniques or sin management but of walking with God as a friend and allie. That is what is true. That is what must be remembered.

Tom

On Rock Climbing and Life

Recently I got to take part in an Outward Bound program and it was an awesome experience. From hiking to climbing to a night spent alone in the wilderness it was an amazing time of self discovery and personal reflection. Probably the most impactful time for me was rock climbing on Saturday. To tell the truth I was dreading the climb. I had never climbed before and I was not sure that I could do it. I can hike for miles, I can sleep on the ground and repel down the side of a mountain but climb one? See the biggest fear that I have lived with is this " I don't have what it takes." When the chips are down I will fail. So as we prepared to climb I felt this dread growing within me. You can't beat the mountain, your not man enough. Before we climbed our instructors encouraged us to look at this experience beyond just climbing. "Use it as a mirror to look at how you deal with life." So skipping ahead several people went before me, some made it some did not. There were 3 routes that we were using and when it got to me I was sent to the hardest one. As soon as I started up I knew I was in trouble. I could not find the crooks and crevices that were needed to make my move. I finally got stuck and had to be lowered down. I was so angry and humiliated. I felt like that was the verdict on me. After a few minutes the instructor asked me if I wanted to try again on a different route. I almost did not do it. That voice was back reminding me of how I had failed the first time. I took a moment and thought about my options I could stop now and be done with it and feel like a loser for not even trying again, I could try and fail again or I could try it and succeed. I realized this was one of those moments in life that define what kind of person you are. I had to try again even if I failed I wanted to go out fighting not sitting back and watching. It reminded me of the quote from BRAVE HEART "Every man dies, not everyman truly lives." So I hooked into the belay line again and started up. This one started better for me. I made it through the first big transition where you go between to rocks and turn yourself to face the mountain. Then I got stuck. I could not find that one place to plant my foot. I tried several but kept slipping. I was again at that choice, stick with it or come down. It was here that God brought to mind how I live. Ofter I will try until I get to the really hard spot in life and then I stop. I look for the safest way or the one with the least obstacles. I don't stick with it when its really hard. I knew then I had to stay on the rock. I prayed to God and asked him into this situation, for strength and for courage to make myself move from the safe spot I was in to the exposed. Lesson number two. The lead instructor who was at the top saw that I was in trouble and so he climbed down to me. He was the holy spirit in all of this. I was not alone on that rock. Suddenly there was someone else to work with me. He could not climb it for me but he could offer encouragement and wisdom. We talked and I tried a couple of moves but was still stuck. I almost gave up then. I was tired, the weather was bad and I just wanted to be done. I could not see the top and I did not know where I was in relation to it. I almost quite but I did not and I am so glad. I made one more move and my foot found the spot. It's hard to explain but you know when you find the SPOT. Suddenly I could move forward and I did. I made it to the top and almost cried as I did. I had faced my fear and hung in there. Here is what I learned. 1. Stick with it. Don't give up. That final move was the hardest on the climb. After that it was smooth sailing or climbing. 2. I could not do it alone. Just like in life, we need other to help us through the rough spots. To often I refuse to ask for help out of pride and fear that I will look weak. If I had refused help here I would have failed. Lastly the reward out ways the pain. The feeling of pulling myself over the top of the mountain is one I will never forget. The pain and fear that had been holding me back washed away in the joy of triumph. I know I can do it. I have what it takes in whatever situation God puts me in. I may not get it on the first try but I will hang in and try again. Don't let your fear of failure out way the reward of following God and climbing the mountains in your life. The view from the top is awesome.

Tom

Hiking Table Rock Mountain with Outward Bound.

Me enjoying a day of hiking durring an Outward Bound trip.




Hiking Table Rock Mountain

Me on top of table Rock mountain in North Carolina.

Repentence

So much has happened since I first started sharing my thoughts here. There has been Joy, sorrow and a lot of questions. Some of the time has seemed very dark and very bleak. However I still press on. Right now a lot of things are going on and life seems quite complicated. So I took some time last week to get away for a half a day of hiking and seeking to spend time with God. As I hiked and prayed to God he showed me how I have been living to play it safe and to avoid the hard issues in life. A lot of what I have experienced over the last couple of years has come from the fact that I did not want to risk. I wanted God to do the hard work for me and lay it all out. Out of that came a loss of hope, since God did not give to me what Iwanted what hope did I have. I believed the lies of Satan that God had abandoned me, that I was on my own and worst of all that I had no hope. As soon as you give up hope you have nothing. Take away a persons hope and you kill their heart. So I sat down on top of the mountain and I repented. I repented of unbelief, of fear, of hopelessness, of playing it safe rather than stepping out and risking. I then renounced the lies I had made agreements with and the foothold it gave to the enemy of my soul. So what happened next? Well let me tell you. The pressure has stepped up. The are major health issues facing me and my family, our finances are stretched to the limit but I have hope. God is showing up in the midst of these storms. God has rekindled my desire to minister to others and share my journey. In the midst of all of this I am certain that God is with me. I am not alone and neither is my family. We have not been abandoned, we are surrounded by God and his great and merciful love for us. I will not back down, I will move forward. Be it a small step or giant leap I will follow Christ where ever he leads. I pray the same for each of you!

Tom

This Day!

In the past I have seen failure.
Not this day!

In the past fear has kept me in bondage
Not this day!

In the past I have played it safe
Not this day!

This day I will succeed!
This day I will live with courage!
This day I will risk it all for victory!

This day is all I have
The past behind me
The future before me
I hold today in my hands!

This day I chose Love
This day I chose Hope
This day I chose LIFE!

THIS DAY!
THIS DAY!
THIS DAY!


It can be so easy to live in the past or worry about the future that we miss the gift that today is. We can not go back to what is behind us but we can move forward. We can take today for the gift that it is. Today we have the opportunity to start over. To love where we have held back. To risk where we have played it safe. To engage and not hide. To let the glory that is in our hearts out so that we can be a light for others. I pray that you will use this day for all that you can. That you will allow God to use you this day to reach a broken and dieing world. This Day is the Day!

Tom

Being Intentional

For the past year I have been in counseling trying to work through some areas of my life that have held me back for a long time. It has been a really tough year. At times it has seemed like I was really moving forward and other times it seamed no progress had been made at all. Although the holidays are a great time they also tend to bring up a lot of the pain and hurt that are in your life. As I was meeting with my counselor Mike and going over a list of things that I am still struggling to get a hold of, at the end it really came down to being intentional about moving forward. This does not mean I minimize the issues or ignore them but I do have a choice to stay in the same place and lament my life or I can ruthlessly pursue wholeness and move forward. Now a lot of you your probably going " well duh" and it's not the first time I have been told that either but this time it seemed to click. Yes I have some deep hurts in my life that I need God to heal and he is but I am part of the process to. The neat thing is is that God respects me enough that he allows me to take part in the process of healing. There are things I can do each day that will draw me closer to the healing that God has for me. So what does it mean to be intentional? It means taking the steps that are needed to grow and to remove the crutches and distractions that allow me to ignore the pain. You see the way to healing involves going through the pain and not around it. It means that I don't use food, TV, music or any other thing to deaden the pain or make me forget it. I leave myself no escape from it and allow God to walk with me through the pain. If I am rambling please forgive me but since I don't know who will read this I want to make sure that this gets out. The second thing I know is that I can not do this alone. It is so tempting sometimes to want to hide the pain from others but that just makes it worse. I must and so must you allow others into your life, your pain and into your struggles. It is in a fellowship of committed friends and family that God loves to work. So for all of you who are in a place of pain or just feeling dead to your heart I want to encourage you to move towards God today, stop running from the pain and face it head on. Get a councilor who can help you understand what going on and then embrace life again. That my goal and I will finish this race. For myself, my family and the fellowship of friends that are walking with me through this. More to come.
Tom

Call of the Soul

It feels like forever since I have last posted here, to long ago to suit me. So where are you at right now. What do you find your heart yearning for right now? Me I feel a longing to be connected. To you all, to Jody (my wife) and most of all to be connected in a deeply intimate way with Christ. I know that connection is not what it should be right now, but I am comforted by the fact that the desire is there to engage and not pull back. I got out the work book for the Sacred Romance (John Eldredge and Brent Curtis), because I feel I have forgotten what the romance is. How it calls to us, how it wants to draw us into something deeper. So I hope that as you read this you will allow the romance to call you back to your deep and true heart. Let is call you and draw you back to the places where your heart once communed with God in deep and soulful ways. It is there we must remember and let God call to us as the lover of our souls.

When the Silence is Deafening

Sometimes it seams that God has left you high and dry just when you need him. As I have walked with Him these last few weeks I have longed to know that He is proud of me. Just as we all long to hear from our earthly fathers that they delight in us and are proud of who we are and who we are becoming, I have longed to hear that same affirmation from my heavenly father. I have prayed to him that He would let me know that I am on the right track. That although I often fall short He is still glad that I am his and that he delights in my presence. What I have heard back is a deafening silence. To be honest I don't understand it. As I watch my children and see how they long to know I delight in them I try to affirm that delight each day. So why doesn't God answer me? It really came to a head this weekend when after praying again for some small sign from him of His love I go out to my car and find that mysteriously overnight several random things have broken. I lost it at that point and I got really angry at God. Much like a child who rages at his parents who do not acknowledge him. I could not pray, I felt completely dead inside. I did not know what to do at this point so I sent a desperate email to some people in my life whom I have come to trust. Some called me others emailed me back all acknowledging my question and many sharing that they to have felt that same abandonment at one time or another in there walk. Jody (my wife) was gracious and kind as I struggled through this and simply listened to my out pouring of anger. Today as I set through church and heard how God cares and will rescue us I was left with more questions. As the day progressed and I talked to Jody and my friends I felt the anger begin to break up and drift away like fog in the early morning. As I sit down to type this out I am still left with the question of why God is silent, but I am filled with a sense of peace that its ok. If I am willing to accept all that is good from God then I must be willing to accept that which I do not understand. So I will continue to pray that God will answer my questions with His love and I will hold onto the knowledge that I am surrounded by many people who love me and stand with me in this time of questioning. If you find yourself in this place now know that you are not alone and I pray that you to would be surrounded by those who have walked this path already and in their love you would see the love of God.

Tom

The Power of Worship

I have been in a difficult place this last week. I have felt detached from life really. No desire to connect with anyone on a deeper level. Seeking comfort from things to avoid the uncomfortable places I need to address in my heart. As I was talking with Jody tonight she asked "When was the last time you truly worshiped?" I could not answer her question. I can think of a few times in my life when I really connected and truly worshiped. Jody gave me the space to get out some music and spend some time worshiping. It ended up being about 45 minutes. During that time I took the focus off of me and put it where it belonged and it was so freeing. Did it solve my problems and answer all of my questions? No but it did remind me that I am not alone. I have a savior, a Daddy that loves me more deeply than I know and that no matter where I am on my journey He is with me. He will walk with me into the uncomfortable and the painful places in my life. So tonight let me encourage you as my wife encouraged me, Go worship. It may take some time to get into it but offer your heart to God and let him remind you of who he is.

The Long Road Home

This journey that we call life is not really a journey to some new and distant place but a journey to our true home. For most of us it is a journey to a home we have never seen but only glimpse in the special moments of life that take your breath away. Often this long road home seems like an empty road that we trudge down with only a vague idea of where we are going. I have felt that way recently. Like I am stuck in this rut that I cant get out of. Where is the joy that I once had, the excitement of the journey. I feel cut off from my fellow travelers even those closet to me. Sometimes the journey is one that is filled with pain. Pain of lost dreams, or broken hearts. Perhaps those on this journey have hurt you along the way or maybe you have hurt others. There is so much that could be said about it but we each have our own tale to tell. The thought on my heart right now is that no matter where I am on this road, I am on my way back to my true home. To the place where all I am meant to be is realized. Where I can once and for all lay down the burdens that I have carried. With each step I grow closer to that place and one day I will round the bend and see my Daddy there running towards me to take me in his arms and welcome me back. In that moment all my fears, my doubts and the wounds I have taken will be forgotten and I will be home. So for today that is what I hold onto in the midst of this long journey my Daddy is watching for me and ready to welcome me home. What a glorious reunion that will be!

Learning to hear the truth

Learning to hear the truth? What does that mean you may be asking yourself. I am learning in my journey that over the course of my life I have believed things about myself that are not true. However I have taken them to heart and believed them so long that they seem so true to me. As I journey on the road to healing in these places I am coming to realize that I must learn to hear the truth. Just like a composer or a conductor must train their ear to hear the different notes and instruments in a piece of music I must learn to pick out what is true about my life even when the lies seem so much louder and truer. Just like the conductor of a symphony can hear a note and recognize it I must learn to hear the truth in my life and hold onto it. I must learn to distinguish the truth from a lie and hear the melody of truth in the song of my life. Where are you at right now. Can you hear the truth or like me have you been hearing only the lies. I pray that you will learn to hear the truth and take it to your heart.

A Prayer for Today.

Jesus today I ask that I would know you deeper.
That I would listen to your voice, not the lies.
That you would come into my brokeness and bring your true healing.
That you would be the one that leads me on this journey and the one to bring me safely home again.

Today I ask thay your love would so fill me that it pours out of me and into those I meet today.
That I stand firm with you as my foundation and offer that strength to others.

Jesus today I ask that you would give to me all that you have for me and that all you have for me would be all that I want.

Jesus Thank you for your love, your healing and your grace!
Amen

Healing

This world can be a brutal place and no one gets through this life without taking some hits and wounds. Some of our wounds go back to when we were children others are fresh and still bleeding. No matter when we were wounded the fact remains that we must be healed if we are to ever be whole and healthy. My journey over the last year has been one that has brought me to the fact that there was a place in my heart that needed healing. It was a place that had kept me in bondage to fear, doubt, anger and depression. This past week I attended a conference hosted by John Elderidge based on his book Wild at Heart. It was at this conference that God brought me to a place of deep healing. My hope and prayer for you is that you will take your brokenness to God. To let Him take you into your pain and offer you his true healing. The truth is only God can bring the type of healing we need. No person, event or object will ever make us whole, only the love of Jesus can bring us to the place where our broken hearts can be made whole. I wrote this poem in response to that healing.

The Dawning

Long and Dark had seemed the night
The sorrows and the pain held tight
My heart was broken, wounded through
Shattered pieces nothing whole

But in the midst of darkness
A light begins to shine
shining ever brighter
Pushing back the night

The radiant glow of dawning light
Suddenly surrounds me
Where all was dark
I feel your light
The light of life it holds me

As I sit there weeping
The pain and sorrow flow
Your loving arms embrace me
In Your healing I will be whole

My shattered heart you hold it
Hold it gently in your hand
The pieces brought together
Alive and whole I am

(c)Tom Allen 2006

I'm still here

It's been a little while since I have posted but I am still here. This past year has been a journey that has been filled with a lot of questions and few answers until now. As I have shared my heart here I hope it has helped each of you as you walk, run or fly through this thing called life. In the coming days I hope to put into words what I am learning as I walk the road. As January comes to an end I wait with a whole heart and great hope to see what God has planned for me in 2006. God Bless you all.
Tom

As I have Loved You

This poem was inspired after watching "The Passion of The Christ" Jesus work on the cross is the true example of love in action.

As I have Loved You.

As I have loved you
Now love one another
As I gave my life
Now you must give yours

Look at my hands
See the marks from the nail
So love one another
As I have loved you

Look at my side
Where the Roman's spear pierce
So love one another
As I have loved you

Look at my back
See the marks of the Whip
So love one another
as I have loved you

This is the Cost of my love for you
A whip, A spear, a crown made of thorns
I laid down my life
so now must you

So Love one another as I have loved you
(c)2005 Tom Allen

Far From Home

I awoke this morning feeling that ache in my heart. That feeling that we are so far from our true home, from what we were truly meant be. It has the power to both hurt and heal depending on what I do with the ache. Do I stay with the ache and let it take me into the deeper places, the deeper places where I can bring the pain to Jesus or do I find something to make me forget the pain. I want to forget the pain, to numb it, but I know I can not. I must feel the pain, I must embrace it and allow myself to grieve. I am far from home, that much is true, but I am not alone. I am surrounded by a fellowship of other travelers who are also far from home. We are all traveling through this world, we all feel it, all long to have it healed and we will, just not yet. The ache is there to draw me home, to pull me onward to the embrace of my savior. That is why it is both painful and sweet. To often I miss the second part of it. If I am feeling that ache it is because there is someone calling me home. There is something for me to return to. Jesus is calling me to himself. Reminding me that only He can fill that place. So today as you feel that ache in the deepest part of your heart, remember it is a call to come home. Soon but not yet.
Tom

Moments of Truth

Life if filled with moments of truths. Each day presents us with numerous opportunities to embrace truth. What is a moment of truth? A moment of truth is the opportunity we have each time we are faced with decision whether to believe what is true in a situation or what we feel at the moment. Here are some moments of truth that I have experienced. My wife and I have a disagreement, I begin to hear the voice of the enemy accusing her, “she does not love you, she does not care about you” That is a moment of truth. Do I accept the lie or do I hold onto the truth. The truth is that Jody is God’s provision for me. The special one that He chose to be my wife. If I miss that opportunity and agree with the lie our relationship is damaged. Here is another moment of truth. I have blown it, messed up. Almost immediately I will hear the accusations. “You are a failure, idiot” the list goes on. Again I have the choice, do I hold onto what I know is true, or do I make an agreement with the enemy of my soul. My position in Christ is not determined by how well I do. I am chosen, loved and accepted because of Jesus love for me not because can earn it or deserve it. One more example,In Aug of 2002 Jody and I are at the doctors and we have just found out that the pregnancy we were so excited about has gone wrong and the baby is dead. Moment of Truth. Is God really good? How can this happen? We were faced with the decision to trust what we know is true about God or to give into the pain and the despair we felt at that moment. Moments of truth are not easy; often your every instinct will try to tell you that what you feel or think at that moment is what is most true. The accusations can seem so true but they are not. Today as you go about your day look for the moments of truth that will present themselves to you. Ask Jesus to show you what is true about the moment that you face be it big or small.
Tom

More Than Meets the Eyes

Two weeks ago I was in the mountains with Jody. It was raining while we were there and a fog covered the mountain. As we were driving I could not see beyond the front of the car. On all sides the world was gray and void. The scope of my existence was about 10 feet. As we drove down the mountain we came out of the fog and now I could see around me the mountains, the valley and the twisting road. There was so much world around me but when I was in the fog, I could not see it. Life often feels like that with bills, work, relationships and just everyday life. It gets hard to see that there is more going on than meets the eye. Yes life is hard, but that is not all there is. We have so much more in Christ, but we must remember to look beyond the fog. How much do I miss because I focus on what is set against me and not what Christ has for me. We are a part of a bigger story and we must live in that if we are to truly experience real life, abundant life. I pray that as you read this you will look beyond just the circumstances and look at Jesus and the life he offers. I pray that for you and for myself, for I so easily forget that truth.
Tom

Prayer For Life

By John Eldredge

O God, you are my life. You have breathed into me the breath of life and I have become a living being (Gen 2:7). My very existence and my being flow from You. In You I live and move and have my being (Acts 17:28). You are the Vine and I am a true branch of Yours (John 15:5). Father, you have made me alive with Christ (Eph 2:4-5). Jesus has become my second Adam a life-giving spirit (1 Cor 15:45). He came that I might have life, and have it abundantly (John 10:10). I have Jesus Christ, and I have his life (1 John 5:12). Christ is now my life (Col 3:4).

Dear Father, restore this frail branch in full union with the trunk. Restore my full union with Christ and with You. I return myself to You – my body, soul and spirit. I return myself fully to the Source of Life. May I be one with You even as Jesus was one with You (John 10:30, 17:21). Let Your life flow through me, and flow and flow throughout this day. O Life, live into me. Encompass me and all that I am. Well up within me, O Spring of Life let Your river flow through my heart, soul, mind and strength (John 7:38). You are the God who gives life to the dead(Rom 4:17). And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in me (and You are living in me), he who raised Jesus from the dead will also give life to my mortal body through his Spirit, who lives in me (Rom 8:11). O God, fill me with the resurrection power of Jesus Christ in my body, soul and spirit.

For it is Christ in me that is my hope of glory (Col 1:27). It is the triumphant life of Jesus Christ that has become my life. I live by Him. I reign in life through Him, by the life of Christ in me. For if, when I was Your enemy, I was reconciled to You through the death of Your Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall I be saved through His life (Rom 5:10). I announce that the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death (Rom 8:2).

I now claim the resurrection triumph of Jesus Christ against all forms of death and destruction come against me. By Jesus Christ and his great work I cut off every attempt of my enemies to steal, kill or destroy my life. As Jesus said, no one takes my life from me (John 10:18). Death has no mastery over Jesus now (Rom 6:9) and death has no mastery over me, for I am united with Christ, one Spirit with him (1 Cor 6:17). I am in Christ (1 Cor 1:30). And Christ is in me (Col 1:27). I claim the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus now against every black law of sin and death and every foul power of destruction aimed against me. By the authority of Jesus Christ I bind and banish all forms of bondage and death from me now – all spirits, all witchcraft, all foul powers. I cancel all claims against me by the work of Jesus Christ (Col 2:13-15).

I take my place in the resurrection of Jesus Christ and in his life. I claim the resurrection of Christ against my enemies and their devices and I bind them from me, and send them to their judgment, in the Mighty Name of Jesus Christ and to his everlasting glory. I choose to live by the strength of Jesus Christ, and by his mighty life. In Jesus’ Name.
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