Call of the Soul

It feels like forever since I have last posted here, to long ago to suit me. So where are you at right now. What do you find your heart yearning for right now? Me I feel a longing to be connected. To you all, to Jody (my wife) and most of all to be connected in a deeply intimate way with Christ. I know that connection is not what it should be right now, but I am comforted by the fact that the desire is there to engage and not pull back. I got out the work book for the Sacred Romance (John Eldredge and Brent Curtis), because I feel I have forgotten what the romance is. How it calls to us, how it wants to draw us into something deeper. So I hope that as you read this you will allow the romance to call you back to your deep and true heart. Let is call you and draw you back to the places where your heart once communed with God in deep and soulful ways. It is there we must remember and let God call to us as the lover of our souls.

When the Silence is Deafening

Sometimes it seams that God has left you high and dry just when you need him. As I have walked with Him these last few weeks I have longed to know that He is proud of me. Just as we all long to hear from our earthly fathers that they delight in us and are proud of who we are and who we are becoming, I have longed to hear that same affirmation from my heavenly father. I have prayed to him that He would let me know that I am on the right track. That although I often fall short He is still glad that I am his and that he delights in my presence. What I have heard back is a deafening silence. To be honest I don't understand it. As I watch my children and see how they long to know I delight in them I try to affirm that delight each day. So why doesn't God answer me? It really came to a head this weekend when after praying again for some small sign from him of His love I go out to my car and find that mysteriously overnight several random things have broken. I lost it at that point and I got really angry at God. Much like a child who rages at his parents who do not acknowledge him. I could not pray, I felt completely dead inside. I did not know what to do at this point so I sent a desperate email to some people in my life whom I have come to trust. Some called me others emailed me back all acknowledging my question and many sharing that they to have felt that same abandonment at one time or another in there walk. Jody (my wife) was gracious and kind as I struggled through this and simply listened to my out pouring of anger. Today as I set through church and heard how God cares and will rescue us I was left with more questions. As the day progressed and I talked to Jody and my friends I felt the anger begin to break up and drift away like fog in the early morning. As I sit down to type this out I am still left with the question of why God is silent, but I am filled with a sense of peace that its ok. If I am willing to accept all that is good from God then I must be willing to accept that which I do not understand. So I will continue to pray that God will answer my questions with His love and I will hold onto the knowledge that I am surrounded by many people who love me and stand with me in this time of questioning. If you find yourself in this place now know that you are not alone and I pray that you to would be surrounded by those who have walked this path already and in their love you would see the love of God.

Tom

The Power of Worship

I have been in a difficult place this last week. I have felt detached from life really. No desire to connect with anyone on a deeper level. Seeking comfort from things to avoid the uncomfortable places I need to address in my heart. As I was talking with Jody tonight she asked "When was the last time you truly worshiped?" I could not answer her question. I can think of a few times in my life when I really connected and truly worshiped. Jody gave me the space to get out some music and spend some time worshiping. It ended up being about 45 minutes. During that time I took the focus off of me and put it where it belonged and it was so freeing. Did it solve my problems and answer all of my questions? No but it did remind me that I am not alone. I have a savior, a Daddy that loves me more deeply than I know and that no matter where I am on my journey He is with me. He will walk with me into the uncomfortable and the painful places in my life. So tonight let me encourage you as my wife encouraged me, Go worship. It may take some time to get into it but offer your heart to God and let him remind you of who he is.

The Long Road Home

This journey that we call life is not really a journey to some new and distant place but a journey to our true home. For most of us it is a journey to a home we have never seen but only glimpse in the special moments of life that take your breath away. Often this long road home seems like an empty road that we trudge down with only a vague idea of where we are going. I have felt that way recently. Like I am stuck in this rut that I cant get out of. Where is the joy that I once had, the excitement of the journey. I feel cut off from my fellow travelers even those closet to me. Sometimes the journey is one that is filled with pain. Pain of lost dreams, or broken hearts. Perhaps those on this journey have hurt you along the way or maybe you have hurt others. There is so much that could be said about it but we each have our own tale to tell. The thought on my heart right now is that no matter where I am on this road, I am on my way back to my true home. To the place where all I am meant to be is realized. Where I can once and for all lay down the burdens that I have carried. With each step I grow closer to that place and one day I will round the bend and see my Daddy there running towards me to take me in his arms and welcome me back. In that moment all my fears, my doubts and the wounds I have taken will be forgotten and I will be home. So for today that is what I hold onto in the midst of this long journey my Daddy is watching for me and ready to welcome me home. What a glorious reunion that will be!

Learning to hear the truth

Learning to hear the truth? What does that mean you may be asking yourself. I am learning in my journey that over the course of my life I have believed things about myself that are not true. However I have taken them to heart and believed them so long that they seem so true to me. As I journey on the road to healing in these places I am coming to realize that I must learn to hear the truth. Just like a composer or a conductor must train their ear to hear the different notes and instruments in a piece of music I must learn to pick out what is true about my life even when the lies seem so much louder and truer. Just like the conductor of a symphony can hear a note and recognize it I must learn to hear the truth in my life and hold onto it. I must learn to distinguish the truth from a lie and hear the melody of truth in the song of my life. Where are you at right now. Can you hear the truth or like me have you been hearing only the lies. I pray that you will learn to hear the truth and take it to your heart.

A Prayer for Today.

Jesus today I ask that I would know you deeper.
That I would listen to your voice, not the lies.
That you would come into my brokeness and bring your true healing.
That you would be the one that leads me on this journey and the one to bring me safely home again.

Today I ask thay your love would so fill me that it pours out of me and into those I meet today.
That I stand firm with you as my foundation and offer that strength to others.

Jesus today I ask that you would give to me all that you have for me and that all you have for me would be all that I want.

Jesus Thank you for your love, your healing and your grace!
Amen

Healing

This world can be a brutal place and no one gets through this life without taking some hits and wounds. Some of our wounds go back to when we were children others are fresh and still bleeding. No matter when we were wounded the fact remains that we must be healed if we are to ever be whole and healthy. My journey over the last year has been one that has brought me to the fact that there was a place in my heart that needed healing. It was a place that had kept me in bondage to fear, doubt, anger and depression. This past week I attended a conference hosted by John Elderidge based on his book Wild at Heart. It was at this conference that God brought me to a place of deep healing. My hope and prayer for you is that you will take your brokenness to God. To let Him take you into your pain and offer you his true healing. The truth is only God can bring the type of healing we need. No person, event or object will ever make us whole, only the love of Jesus can bring us to the place where our broken hearts can be made whole. I wrote this poem in response to that healing.

The Dawning

Long and Dark had seemed the night
The sorrows and the pain held tight
My heart was broken, wounded through
Shattered pieces nothing whole

But in the midst of darkness
A light begins to shine
shining ever brighter
Pushing back the night

The radiant glow of dawning light
Suddenly surrounds me
Where all was dark
I feel your light
The light of life it holds me

As I sit there weeping
The pain and sorrow flow
Your loving arms embrace me
In Your healing I will be whole

My shattered heart you hold it
Hold it gently in your hand
The pieces brought together
Alive and whole I am

(c)Tom Allen 2006

I'm still here

It's been a little while since I have posted but I am still here. This past year has been a journey that has been filled with a lot of questions and few answers until now. As I have shared my heart here I hope it has helped each of you as you walk, run or fly through this thing called life. In the coming days I hope to put into words what I am learning as I walk the road. As January comes to an end I wait with a whole heart and great hope to see what God has planned for me in 2006. God Bless you all.
Tom

As I have Loved You

This poem was inspired after watching "The Passion of The Christ" Jesus work on the cross is the true example of love in action.

As I have Loved You.

As I have loved you
Now love one another
As I gave my life
Now you must give yours

Look at my hands
See the marks from the nail
So love one another
As I have loved you

Look at my side
Where the Roman's spear pierce
So love one another
As I have loved you

Look at my back
See the marks of the Whip
So love one another
as I have loved you

This is the Cost of my love for you
A whip, A spear, a crown made of thorns
I laid down my life
so now must you

So Love one another as I have loved you
(c)2005 Tom Allen

Far From Home

I awoke this morning feeling that ache in my heart. That feeling that we are so far from our true home, from what we were truly meant be. It has the power to both hurt and heal depending on what I do with the ache. Do I stay with the ache and let it take me into the deeper places, the deeper places where I can bring the pain to Jesus or do I find something to make me forget the pain. I want to forget the pain, to numb it, but I know I can not. I must feel the pain, I must embrace it and allow myself to grieve. I am far from home, that much is true, but I am not alone. I am surrounded by a fellowship of other travelers who are also far from home. We are all traveling through this world, we all feel it, all long to have it healed and we will, just not yet. The ache is there to draw me home, to pull me onward to the embrace of my savior. That is why it is both painful and sweet. To often I miss the second part of it. If I am feeling that ache it is because there is someone calling me home. There is something for me to return to. Jesus is calling me to himself. Reminding me that only He can fill that place. So today as you feel that ache in the deepest part of your heart, remember it is a call to come home. Soon but not yet.
Tom

Moments of Truth

Life if filled with moments of truths. Each day presents us with numerous opportunities to embrace truth. What is a moment of truth? A moment of truth is the opportunity we have each time we are faced with decision whether to believe what is true in a situation or what we feel at the moment. Here are some moments of truth that I have experienced. My wife and I have a disagreement, I begin to hear the voice of the enemy accusing her, “she does not love you, she does not care about you” That is a moment of truth. Do I accept the lie or do I hold onto the truth. The truth is that Jody is God’s provision for me. The special one that He chose to be my wife. If I miss that opportunity and agree with the lie our relationship is damaged. Here is another moment of truth. I have blown it, messed up. Almost immediately I will hear the accusations. “You are a failure, idiot” the list goes on. Again I have the choice, do I hold onto what I know is true, or do I make an agreement with the enemy of my soul. My position in Christ is not determined by how well I do. I am chosen, loved and accepted because of Jesus love for me not because can earn it or deserve it. One more example,In Aug of 2002 Jody and I are at the doctors and we have just found out that the pregnancy we were so excited about has gone wrong and the baby is dead. Moment of Truth. Is God really good? How can this happen? We were faced with the decision to trust what we know is true about God or to give into the pain and the despair we felt at that moment. Moments of truth are not easy; often your every instinct will try to tell you that what you feel or think at that moment is what is most true. The accusations can seem so true but they are not. Today as you go about your day look for the moments of truth that will present themselves to you. Ask Jesus to show you what is true about the moment that you face be it big or small.
Tom

More Than Meets the Eyes

Two weeks ago I was in the mountains with Jody. It was raining while we were there and a fog covered the mountain. As we were driving I could not see beyond the front of the car. On all sides the world was gray and void. The scope of my existence was about 10 feet. As we drove down the mountain we came out of the fog and now I could see around me the mountains, the valley and the twisting road. There was so much world around me but when I was in the fog, I could not see it. Life often feels like that with bills, work, relationships and just everyday life. It gets hard to see that there is more going on than meets the eye. Yes life is hard, but that is not all there is. We have so much more in Christ, but we must remember to look beyond the fog. How much do I miss because I focus on what is set against me and not what Christ has for me. We are a part of a bigger story and we must live in that if we are to truly experience real life, abundant life. I pray that as you read this you will look beyond just the circumstances and look at Jesus and the life he offers. I pray that for you and for myself, for I so easily forget that truth.
Tom

Prayer For Life

By John Eldredge

O God, you are my life. You have breathed into me the breath of life and I have become a living being (Gen 2:7). My very existence and my being flow from You. In You I live and move and have my being (Acts 17:28). You are the Vine and I am a true branch of Yours (John 15:5). Father, you have made me alive with Christ (Eph 2:4-5). Jesus has become my second Adam a life-giving spirit (1 Cor 15:45). He came that I might have life, and have it abundantly (John 10:10). I have Jesus Christ, and I have his life (1 John 5:12). Christ is now my life (Col 3:4).

Dear Father, restore this frail branch in full union with the trunk. Restore my full union with Christ and with You. I return myself to You – my body, soul and spirit. I return myself fully to the Source of Life. May I be one with You even as Jesus was one with You (John 10:30, 17:21). Let Your life flow through me, and flow and flow throughout this day. O Life, live into me. Encompass me and all that I am. Well up within me, O Spring of Life let Your river flow through my heart, soul, mind and strength (John 7:38). You are the God who gives life to the dead(Rom 4:17). And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in me (and You are living in me), he who raised Jesus from the dead will also give life to my mortal body through his Spirit, who lives in me (Rom 8:11). O God, fill me with the resurrection power of Jesus Christ in my body, soul and spirit.

For it is Christ in me that is my hope of glory (Col 1:27). It is the triumphant life of Jesus Christ that has become my life. I live by Him. I reign in life through Him, by the life of Christ in me. For if, when I was Your enemy, I was reconciled to You through the death of Your Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall I be saved through His life (Rom 5:10). I announce that the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death (Rom 8:2).

I now claim the resurrection triumph of Jesus Christ against all forms of death and destruction come against me. By Jesus Christ and his great work I cut off every attempt of my enemies to steal, kill or destroy my life. As Jesus said, no one takes my life from me (John 10:18). Death has no mastery over Jesus now (Rom 6:9) and death has no mastery over me, for I am united with Christ, one Spirit with him (1 Cor 6:17). I am in Christ (1 Cor 1:30). And Christ is in me (Col 1:27). I claim the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus now against every black law of sin and death and every foul power of destruction aimed against me. By the authority of Jesus Christ I bind and banish all forms of bondage and death from me now – all spirits, all witchcraft, all foul powers. I cancel all claims against me by the work of Jesus Christ (Col 2:13-15).

I take my place in the resurrection of Jesus Christ and in his life. I claim the resurrection of Christ against my enemies and their devices and I bind them from me, and send them to their judgment, in the Mighty Name of Jesus Christ and to his everlasting glory. I choose to live by the strength of Jesus Christ, and by his mighty life. In Jesus’ Name.
© Copyright 2002-2004 Ransomed Heart Ministries.
All rights reserved

Check out some other great resources at www.ransomedheart.com

The Enemy

I wrote this several weeks ago when I was having computer trouble and unable to post.

The past two weeks have been hard, that is probably an understatement. The past two weeks have been an all out assault on my heart. I try to find time to write, but it just is not there. When I do have a moment, I am either so tired physically or worse tired spiritually that I have nothing to write. I grow angry and frustrated and lose site of what is true. I forget that life is hard, that things here in this world are not what they were meant to be. Most importantly I forget that I have an enemy that wants to kill me. And you do to. John 10:10 tells us that. “The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy.” How come I forget that? Instead of standing firm against him, I get mad at my wife, the dog or just about anything that comes across my path. The phrase “mad at the world” takes on new meaning for me when I get to this point. You have probably been here to. Things are not going as you had planed. Life has turned out different than you dreamed. It seems so unfair, so heart breaking. We want to find someone or something to blame. Unfortunately we often blame the wrong person. The last few days my wife and I have been mad at each other. We both want more for our marriage or hearts and it just seems like something always gets in the way. Is this her fault, no, we have an enemy but I forget that and then suddenly the person I love most in this world becomes the focus of my frustration. We have an enemy and he has set his sites on us. His goal is to destroy our hearts. To steal, kill and destroy all that we love and all that we desire to be. He is set against the work of God, he is an active enemy and we must stand against him. I forget this so easily. Jesus promises us abundant life in verse 10 of John, but he also warns us that the enemy will seek to destroy that. I need to remember that daily, I need to know that the enemy of my heart, Satan, is the one I need to stand against. Remember that today as you go through your day. When you want to blame your spouse, your boss or maybe even the dog. There is more going on than meets the eye.

Breaking the Silence

“I can never share that” how many times have we said that to ourselves? We take an event, a thought or a time in our life and we build a wall around it vowing never to let anyone into that area of our heart. We think we are protecting ourselves from more pain, rejection or condemnation. We doubt the hearts of those who love us, believing the lie of the enemy, that they will hate us, reject us or abandon us. This is such an evil lie of the enemy. These secrets we hold onto are the very things that are killing us inside. I believed this lie for so many years, cutting myself off from those I loved and those that loved me. For a large part of our marriage, I kept my fears, my pain and my failures from my wife. It almost destroyed me. It was literally killing my heart. The more I isolated myself from her and others the deeper I sank into despair and into addiction. The truth is that as long as we hide ourselves away from others we will always live with the pain of being alone in our hearts. We were not meant to live this way. Jesus did not live this way. He surrounded himself with 12 dear friends and he shared His life with them. When he was in the garden on the night he was betrayed he brought his disciples with him. As he agonized over the death that was before him He did not hide it from others. He wanted his disciples with him. God has done a great work of healing in my marriage, even in the last few weeks as Jody and I have shared our hearts with each other walls have come down. We are beginning to see a new intimacy between us. There is life in the sharing of our burdens and healing as we release our fear and our failures. Letting the one you love or those with whom you have a deep fellowship into your hearts is truly a gift from our dear Father. It will free you and draw you closer to those you love. We were never made to walk this journey of life alone in and silence.

Forgetfulness

I am simply amazed at who quickly I forget things. I forget that we live in a world that is broken and full of pain. I forget that I have an enemy that seeks to "steal, kill and destroy" me and my family. Things seem to be going well in life and I simply forget that the context of this life is war. The time is coming when the lion will lay down with the lamb, but for now we are still behind enemy lines. Our enemy the Devil, is still on the lose seeking to destroy they work of God in our lives. Do I live like this? No! Instead of being on my guard, staying close to Jesus and being ready to fight I lay down my armor and act like I am on a Sunday picnic. Then I act surprised when things begin to happen and life seems all out of whack. For three weeks I have struggled to write, to hear from God. It took me till today to remember the context of our lives. Of course I have not heard God speak, I have not been listening intently to Him. I have just been walking along acting like the world is great and I have no enemy. It is so easy to forget that the attacks of the enemy are not always open and obvious. He is a very crafty foe, he has been doing this for a long time. I am so thankful that God is merciful and patient with me. So my thought for each of you is to be on your guard, stay close to Jesus and be ready. Take a look at your life right now. What's going on right now. Are things hectic and busy, or has it settled into a comfortable routine. We must daily pick up our swords and put on our armor for our enemy never rests. A warning from one who had forgotten

Dry and Thirsty

"I am worn out", how often do we here that from other people or even from our own heart. I felt that very thing this morning as I got up to start my day at 5am. As I thought about that I realized that it was not so much a physical tiredness but a weariness of the soul. Life just has a way of sucking you dry. After all, there is only so much you can fit into a day. Trying to juggle family, work, the house, exercise oh yea and spend some quality time with God too. It can just be hard. As I looked back at the last week trying to find out why I felt like I did, I realized I had lost touch with Jesus. Was it intentional? No. Did it happen? Yes. I realized that I had spent almost no time in communion with Him. He is the living water, and if we don't have that water we will dry up. So I want to encourage you to spend some time this week with Him. Drink for the living water and let your heart be refreshed and renewed in spite of the busyness of life.

Dry and Thirsty feels my heart
The life it slips away.
I need you Lord to save me
or my heart may die today.

there is so much for me to do
Things that must be done.
Show me Lord and teach me
So that I may overcome.

Restore me with the water
That living flows from you.
Quench my thirst and fill me
Draw my heart to You.

Finding Life

The quest to find life here on earth can sometimes cause us to miss what is truly important. The things we think will bring fulfillment can be the very things that keep us from finding what our souls truly need. Sometimes these things are obvious, as when our desires have taken a turn towards the darker lust of the flesh. When we give up searching for true life and give our hearts over to the false life. But sometimes we attach our hearts to things that are good. As we seek life perhaps we find that something that is truly part of our created glory. For some it may be writing or singing. For another it may be part of their calling. A gifted doctor or leader. Maybe even a ministry. These things are part of what God created us for but they are not the point. They are never the point. The point and source of life for our hearts is always God. Now when I say the point is God, I am not talking about a set of rules and regulations to be followed. I speak of a deep and intimate relationship with Him. That is always what God is after. He created us for relationship with Him. Why else would He have sent his son to die for us on a cross. So often I lose that focus and begin to believe that it is the things that give me life. I begin to believe it is in writing or singing that my heart will find life. It is at that point that what was once good can become the very thing that keeps us from God. The action becomes more important than the relationship. To modify a phrase from G. K. Chesterton, these things become "all moonshine; light without heat, reflected from a dead world." Moonshine can be beautiful, but by itself will never bring life. So let those things that bring joy and life to your soul point you ever onward to the true point of life, a deep and true relationship with the father.

Shadows

1 Chronicles 29:15
We are here for only a moment, visitors and strangers in the land as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a shadow, gone so soon without a trace.

Life can seem so long, day after day. At times it is hard to believe that we are here for but a moment. Like a shadow, gone without a trace. If that's true then our time here is so important. How many days have I let slip by to fade away like the morning mist never to get them back. This last week has gone by and I look back and have nothing. Seven days of my life gone with no lasting impact. How many people did I come across that I will never see again? Did my silence leave a hole in their lives that God would have had me fill? I can never know the answer to that but I should live my life in such a way that people are changed by having been in my presence. I want my life to so reflect God, in both my joy and in my sorrow that people will be drawn to Him. So today my hope for you is that you will make this day count. That at the end of this 24hrs lives will be different because God touched lives through you.

Gone so soon, without a trace
Are our days here on the earth.
Are lives are like the morning mist
Which fades with burning sun.

They slip away, I can not hold
The days have come and gone
Like shadows quickly fading
When clouds obscure the sun.

How much have I left behind
How much have I lost?
There were so many times
I could have been your voice.

Help me Jesus, hold me close
May I live each precious day.
A reflection of your glory
to help others find the way.
(c)Tom Allen,2005

A Band of Brothers

We all need a group of people in our lives who will walk with us and speak truth into our lives. Many times we can get so caught in our own lives that we can not see our lives in the true perspective. I am so blessed to have many such friends who know me and have walked with me. Without them my life would be a much darker place. This poem is dedicated to my "Band of Brothers" They make me a better Husband, father and person. To all of you I am grateful.

A Band of Brothers
True friends of my heart
Each of us different
Yet united by the One.

We fight for each other
No man left behind
Though wounded and broken
Together we fight.

God is our Banner
Under Him we unite
His strength if does fill us
As we fight for our lives.

Though foes come against me
Though the night can be dark
My men they are with me
And fight for my heart.

To God I am grateful
His love he has shown
By sending my brother
So I don't walk alone.
(c)Tom Allen, 2005