Call of the Soul

It feels like forever since I have last posted here, to long ago to suit me. So where are you at right now. What do you find your heart yearning for right now? Me I feel a longing to be connected. To you all, to Jody (my wife) and most of all to be connected in a deeply intimate way with Christ. I know that connection is not what it should be right now, but I am comforted by the fact that the desire is there to engage and not pull back. I got out the work book for the Sacred Romance (John Eldredge and Brent Curtis), because I feel I have forgotten what the romance is. How it calls to us, how it wants to draw us into something deeper. So I hope that as you read this you will allow the romance to call you back to your deep and true heart. Let is call you and draw you back to the places where your heart once communed with God in deep and soulful ways. It is there we must remember and let God call to us as the lover of our souls.

When the Silence is Deafening

Sometimes it seams that God has left you high and dry just when you need him. As I have walked with Him these last few weeks I have longed to know that He is proud of me. Just as we all long to hear from our earthly fathers that they delight in us and are proud of who we are and who we are becoming, I have longed to hear that same affirmation from my heavenly father. I have prayed to him that He would let me know that I am on the right track. That although I often fall short He is still glad that I am his and that he delights in my presence. What I have heard back is a deafening silence. To be honest I don't understand it. As I watch my children and see how they long to know I delight in them I try to affirm that delight each day. So why doesn't God answer me? It really came to a head this weekend when after praying again for some small sign from him of His love I go out to my car and find that mysteriously overnight several random things have broken. I lost it at that point and I got really angry at God. Much like a child who rages at his parents who do not acknowledge him. I could not pray, I felt completely dead inside. I did not know what to do at this point so I sent a desperate email to some people in my life whom I have come to trust. Some called me others emailed me back all acknowledging my question and many sharing that they to have felt that same abandonment at one time or another in there walk. Jody (my wife) was gracious and kind as I struggled through this and simply listened to my out pouring of anger. Today as I set through church and heard how God cares and will rescue us I was left with more questions. As the day progressed and I talked to Jody and my friends I felt the anger begin to break up and drift away like fog in the early morning. As I sit down to type this out I am still left with the question of why God is silent, but I am filled with a sense of peace that its ok. If I am willing to accept all that is good from God then I must be willing to accept that which I do not understand. So I will continue to pray that God will answer my questions with His love and I will hold onto the knowledge that I am surrounded by many people who love me and stand with me in this time of questioning. If you find yourself in this place now know that you are not alone and I pray that you to would be surrounded by those who have walked this path already and in their love you would see the love of God.

Tom

The Power of Worship

I have been in a difficult place this last week. I have felt detached from life really. No desire to connect with anyone on a deeper level. Seeking comfort from things to avoid the uncomfortable places I need to address in my heart. As I was talking with Jody tonight she asked "When was the last time you truly worshiped?" I could not answer her question. I can think of a few times in my life when I really connected and truly worshiped. Jody gave me the space to get out some music and spend some time worshiping. It ended up being about 45 minutes. During that time I took the focus off of me and put it where it belonged and it was so freeing. Did it solve my problems and answer all of my questions? No but it did remind me that I am not alone. I have a savior, a Daddy that loves me more deeply than I know and that no matter where I am on my journey He is with me. He will walk with me into the uncomfortable and the painful places in my life. So tonight let me encourage you as my wife encouraged me, Go worship. It may take some time to get into it but offer your heart to God and let him remind you of who he is.

The Long Road Home

This journey that we call life is not really a journey to some new and distant place but a journey to our true home. For most of us it is a journey to a home we have never seen but only glimpse in the special moments of life that take your breath away. Often this long road home seems like an empty road that we trudge down with only a vague idea of where we are going. I have felt that way recently. Like I am stuck in this rut that I cant get out of. Where is the joy that I once had, the excitement of the journey. I feel cut off from my fellow travelers even those closet to me. Sometimes the journey is one that is filled with pain. Pain of lost dreams, or broken hearts. Perhaps those on this journey have hurt you along the way or maybe you have hurt others. There is so much that could be said about it but we each have our own tale to tell. The thought on my heart right now is that no matter where I am on this road, I am on my way back to my true home. To the place where all I am meant to be is realized. Where I can once and for all lay down the burdens that I have carried. With each step I grow closer to that place and one day I will round the bend and see my Daddy there running towards me to take me in his arms and welcome me back. In that moment all my fears, my doubts and the wounds I have taken will be forgotten and I will be home. So for today that is what I hold onto in the midst of this long journey my Daddy is watching for me and ready to welcome me home. What a glorious reunion that will be!

Learning to hear the truth

Learning to hear the truth? What does that mean you may be asking yourself. I am learning in my journey that over the course of my life I have believed things about myself that are not true. However I have taken them to heart and believed them so long that they seem so true to me. As I journey on the road to healing in these places I am coming to realize that I must learn to hear the truth. Just like a composer or a conductor must train their ear to hear the different notes and instruments in a piece of music I must learn to pick out what is true about my life even when the lies seem so much louder and truer. Just like the conductor of a symphony can hear a note and recognize it I must learn to hear the truth in my life and hold onto it. I must learn to distinguish the truth from a lie and hear the melody of truth in the song of my life. Where are you at right now. Can you hear the truth or like me have you been hearing only the lies. I pray that you will learn to hear the truth and take it to your heart.

A Prayer for Today.

Jesus today I ask that I would know you deeper.
That I would listen to your voice, not the lies.
That you would come into my brokeness and bring your true healing.
That you would be the one that leads me on this journey and the one to bring me safely home again.

Today I ask thay your love would so fill me that it pours out of me and into those I meet today.
That I stand firm with you as my foundation and offer that strength to others.

Jesus today I ask that you would give to me all that you have for me and that all you have for me would be all that I want.

Jesus Thank you for your love, your healing and your grace!
Amen

Healing

This world can be a brutal place and no one gets through this life without taking some hits and wounds. Some of our wounds go back to when we were children others are fresh and still bleeding. No matter when we were wounded the fact remains that we must be healed if we are to ever be whole and healthy. My journey over the last year has been one that has brought me to the fact that there was a place in my heart that needed healing. It was a place that had kept me in bondage to fear, doubt, anger and depression. This past week I attended a conference hosted by John Elderidge based on his book Wild at Heart. It was at this conference that God brought me to a place of deep healing. My hope and prayer for you is that you will take your brokenness to God. To let Him take you into your pain and offer you his true healing. The truth is only God can bring the type of healing we need. No person, event or object will ever make us whole, only the love of Jesus can bring us to the place where our broken hearts can be made whole. I wrote this poem in response to that healing.

The Dawning

Long and Dark had seemed the night
The sorrows and the pain held tight
My heart was broken, wounded through
Shattered pieces nothing whole

But in the midst of darkness
A light begins to shine
shining ever brighter
Pushing back the night

The radiant glow of dawning light
Suddenly surrounds me
Where all was dark
I feel your light
The light of life it holds me

As I sit there weeping
The pain and sorrow flow
Your loving arms embrace me
In Your healing I will be whole

My shattered heart you hold it
Hold it gently in your hand
The pieces brought together
Alive and whole I am

(c)Tom Allen 2006

I'm still here

It's been a little while since I have posted but I am still here. This past year has been a journey that has been filled with a lot of questions and few answers until now. As I have shared my heart here I hope it has helped each of you as you walk, run or fly through this thing called life. In the coming days I hope to put into words what I am learning as I walk the road. As January comes to an end I wait with a whole heart and great hope to see what God has planned for me in 2006. God Bless you all.
Tom